Monthly Archives: November 2011
Jon Stewart: “I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.”
Jim Gaffigan: “Thanksgiving. It’s like we didn’t even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”
Stephen Colbert: “Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.”
Kevin James: “Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.”
Jack Handey: “If you’re at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don’t like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you’re eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you’re out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, ‘Boy, these are good cigars!'”
Jay Leno: “You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.”
Johnny Carson: “Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.”
Greg Proops: Ever since you’re little you hear this: ‘The pilgrims left England to escape religious persecution and sneak religious freedom into the new world.’ But even when you’re little you’re like, ‘Umm.. Bullsh*t?'”
Arnold Schwarzenegger: “I love Thanksgiving turkey. It’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.”
Everyone knows (or should know) that Black Friday is the evil step sister to Thanksgiving Day. I remember the one time that I participated in this ridiculous holiday I was about 15, and at that time we didn’t leave our house until around 5 because the stores didn’t open until 6AM…unfortunately, that is no longer the case. Now in order to stake out a good spot in line, you need to get up MUCH earlier than that. In fact, for some more popular stores that sell the latest electronics or children’s toys, you actually have to camp out in order to insure that you are going to get what you come for. And then, once you do get into the store of your choice, its now survival of the fittest! Check out this mob, even the senior citizen is showing that shes not above getting physical to get what she came for! Now, how ridiculous is that? Instead of enjoying Thanksgiving and spending time with your family and friends you are secluding yourself mapping out which stores have the best deals, and going to bed early to you can get up at 2AM. This year, many stores are even open ON Thanksgiving day…now I know its a fine line, but I think this definitely crosses it! How about this: why don’t we celebrate one holiday and enjoy it before we move on to the next??!
So if you know me, you will know that Thanksgiving Day is my favorite day of the whole year! You get to see all of your old friends, have a great run, see family, and of course eat SO MUCH DELICOUS food!! This week is going to be dedicated to Thanksgiving themed posts, quotes and photos! Can’t wait!
And feel free to add in!
Quick morning story: When me and my sister were little kids, we used to play “boat”, where the couch was out boat and everything else around it was water. So, whenever we would have to get off the couch to go eat dinner or go to the bathroom we’d have to hold our breath and “swim” there. I always seemed to make it out of the water unharmed. What was weird was that most times after I made it to safety, there would be a shark attack and my sister wouldn’t be so lucky…That may be why there was a lot of this growing up:
Today I’d really like to discuss something that has recently come across my radar: the Maury Show, and more specifically the paternity test episodes. Ok, I’ll admit it, this is super trashy TV, even for me, but it’s just so damn entertaining that once it’s on my screen I really can’t turn it off. Furthermore, it has taught me that the only thing better than having excessive, premarital, unprotected sex is finding out that you are not responsible for the life that it is produced.
Although the hoes on this show are obviously ridiculous, the men that sleep with them are possibly even more ridiculous. Take Elona for example: She and Richard “have a baby together”. Now, I put that in quotes because although Elona and Richard are both White, Richard has not questioned the fact that his son is obviously not…In fact, he seems SHOCKED to the core when Elona admits her infidelity. Are you serious?!
Then you have the women that have been on the show multiple times (for the same child) and have tested 10 or 12 different guys and none of them are the father. The reaction of these 1st class gentlemen is always a good one. I think that some of them may have even worked with choreographers before the show to perfect their victory dances.
I’m pretty sure that people who go on this show have never actually seen this show. I’m just going to give them the benefit of the doubt that they haven’t because it’s pretty sad to think that they’ve seen how retarded these people look on tv and actually think to themselves “hey, that’s a great idea…I’m going to sign up”. At any rate, it makes for entertaining TV and also is a great boost of confidence for the regular people of the world.
Growing up I had TONS of different collections: stamps, coins, rocks, shot glasses, lion king trading cards, beanie babies, and postcards, just to name a few. I was always a “saver” and liked to keep things, which is strange because my mother is about as bare bone as it gets when it comes to saving things. Her motto is “if you’re not using it, toss it” (or give it to someone who needs it). More recently I’ve not only started to agree with this motto, but have also decided that collections are a bad thing. I mean think about it. Really, its the first step of hoarding…just in an organized fashion, or as I like to call it “Hoarganization”. One day you have a stamp collection and before you know it you have 3 dead cat skeletons under your coach-which are only found because an entire team of professional organizers are overhauling your home so you don’t lose your kids. And really, is it worth that much?
Ok, so you (like every other person) probably have/had a shot glass collection. Cool. You go somewhere like Cape Cod, or Disney World and get some awesome shot glass to put on the shelf with all the other ones. Chances are, if you are actively collecting shot glasses you aren’t old enough to use them (legally). Furthermore, seriously, what do you do with the 50 shot glasses you have?…Do you A. have 50 friends? B. have 50 friends that all want to take a shot at the same time? or C. have enough liquor to fill them all up? If your answer to all three of those questions is yes, then please email me…sounds like you and your friends know how to have a good time and I’d like to join in ;).
Or how about people who “collect rocks”? Now, that’s just effing retarded. If you’re under 10 and you’re doing this outside on your own time that’s acceptable, but if you get to the point where you are paying money for them, that’s just crossing the line. I’m not gonna lie…I may or may not have a purchased rock collection similar to the one in this picture here, but I’m NOT proud of it.
The worst has to be the bottle collections, if you ask me. I think this is more of a “college boy” thing more than anything else-which makes sense because college boys are ridiculous (obviously). Have you ever gone into a guy’s apartment and on top of their cabinets they have dozens and dozens of beer bottles? Awesome…you are sooooo cool! You drink all kinds of different beers AND you save the bottles?! wow…now this is really a hoarder in the making…Can’t even throw away trash. Anyways, if you are really drinking that much beer, you should probably consider recycling that bottles!
After reading this, if you still feel that your collection is a necessary part of your life, hopefully your collection is at least something awesome like shoes, or puppies, or money. Just please, for the love of god, don’t be like the Duggars and start collecting babies (#20 is on the way), YIKES!
Although I find this very upsetting, I’ll keep this short and sweet. Yesterday on my way home from work, something extremely disheartening happened. I’m just minding my own business driving along, and I see some flashing red lights in my rear-view mirror. It was an ambulance. So, what do I do? The same thing any other normal American do. I pulled over. Then I realized that SO many others were not following suit. Spoken from someone whose life has been in jeopardy more times than I care to think about, this pretty much enrages me. When I pull over to allow an emergency vehicle the right of way, that’s exactly what it is. Here’s what it’s not: an opportunity for you go around me! Why in the world would you think that wherever you are going is more important than where the the emergency vehicle is going?! I’m just saying- you should be aware of things like this because I can pretty much guarantee that if you are the one in need of help you would hope that people would pull over for you. 3 minutes could make the difference between life and death.
So here it is day 5 of the epic October storm that knocked out power for more than 850,000 CT residents. While the first day was a fun adventure, now life is getting a little boring. So after days of seeing the mayhem that is our state, I couldn’t resist putting this lsit together. please feel free to add more from your own experiences! 🙂
You know you’re suffereing the effects of the black out when…
- You have to get in line for more gas when your car hits half tank so you don’t run out while you’re sitting in line.
- The wait for Big Y pizza is over 2 hours (because its the only hot food around).
- Stores aren’t getting business because of their featured sales, but rather because of the sign out front that says “we’re open!” (see cvs pic below)
- You’ve forgotten what the different colors of the traffic light mean because you haven’t seen one that works in such a long time.
- You wake up in the morning and just go back to sleep until afternoon because there’s literally nothing to do.
- Your entertainment comes from watching your adorably loveable butsurprisingly dumb dog chase the light from the flashlight around the room.
- Although its 55 degrees and beautiful outside, you can’t go anywhere on foot because of the hundreds of power lines still laying in the street.
- You’ve played more games in the past week than you have played in the past year combined.
- The thought of eating one more PBJ is nauseating.
- You realize just how attached to your phone you are when your sitting in your car charging it multiple times a day.