Monthly Archives: April 2014
I’ve never had much luck in the dating world. No, seriously. It all started with my first boyfriend when I was in middle school. I was pretty sure we would be together forever and get married, have 4 kids, have a house in CT and also a log cabin in ME on a lake (obviously where we’d vacation) and live a picture perfect life, but then he hooked up with my (ex)best-friend. Cool. Back then it didn’t take much time to get over guys. A couple hundred phone calls (remember this was long before the days of cell phone and text messages) to his parents house and a dramatic bike ride over to his house to drop off a “box of his things” pretty much did the trick. From then on there was a series of high school drops outs, drug addicts, and down right boring guys-I mean I’m an independent, smart, fun girl, why wouldn’t I go that route. It really only makes sense, right? Don’t they say opposites attract…?
Now, being in my late twenties, most of my friends are married, engaged, in super-boring-super-serious-super-longterm relationships, or busy chasing their rug rats around Target. I did something I never wanted to, I’m embarrassed that I did, and I can confidently say I will never do again. I entered the online dating world. Some of my friends (and family) tell me I’m picky, judgmental, or not willing to try – my other friends, and the general public, is just too nice to say that to my face-or maybe they just don’t know me well enough. I like those people.
Anyways, back to online dating…how does that saying go? Oh yea, I came, I saw, I
conquered threw up in my mouth a little bit. I was out to dinner with a friend of mine not too long ago and she, newly single, mentioned considering online dating. I gave her the best advice in the world: DON’T. DO. IT. Why? Well because people who online date, in my experience, do it for a reason. Ya, ya, ya, your sister met her husband on plenty-of-fish and he’s a ‘real catch’, your cousin met his girlfriend on ‘match’ and they really hit it off, your grandma met her lova on “Our Time” and they are having the time of their life. I get it. There are fairy tale endings out there, but I’m no princess so that shit just ain’t for me. Just so you can really taste it, let me tell you about my favorite 10 guys I’ve met online and you can tell me if I was too quick to judge or if I saw where it was going and was able to make it to safe room before the tornado.
Time capsule – I call him this for two reasons. 1. because I feel like I talked to him for an eternity and 2. because on our first date – literally the first time we ever met, he made me look at over 1,000 photos on his iphone of cruise he went on with his parents. Somewhere around 1,500 I said “lets save the rest for next time”. Spoiler alert – there was no next time. Seriously, I saw more pictures of his parents than I’ve seen of my own parents-in my whole entire life. I love pictures and will have absolutely no problem making you look at the scrapbooks I made in high school, but this was intense, even for me.
Hey Girl Heyyyyyy – So this guy was…different. I’m not sure if he was trying to convince himself or convince me, but he definitely checked some wrong boxes on that dating site. He loved hot coacoa, “hangin out with the girls”, and his alcoholic drink of choice – mudslides. “Um dirty martini over here please!” <–that was literally what I said as I snapped my fingers for the waiter mid-meal on our LUNCH date. Hey alcohol doesn’t solve problems, but neither does water or milk, am I right?
The Alcoholic – This guy seemed really nice. Actually, I thought he might actually be someone that I could hang out with, but I found out sooner (thank god) than later that he really just wanted to get drunk. Literally- he told me he wasn’t interested in eating because “then he wouldn’t be able to drink as much”, and when I said, well it sound like you just want to get wasted, he said “well I do, I really wanted to get drunk last night but I didn’t” Yea, that date never even happened. Oh, and for kickers, he was actually going to pick me up. Luckily I found his intents before I got into the death chair. He was later known to text me in the middle of the night inquiring why we couldn’t even be friends.
The Petri Dish – OK, feel free to judge me if you want to, but this poor kid’s face was like a petri dish incubating as the perfect temperature. More and more white heads grew in the period of time it took me to choke down a burger and a beer…and if you’re really thinking about what i’m saying and picturing it, that was not a long time.
Siri – Only it wasn’t Siri, it was whatever question-answering thing those huge ass Galaxy phones have. The entire time we were out, in a restaurant mind you, he was talking to her. And by her I do not mean me. And by her I do not mean another person. We’d be mid conversation and get to a point where we’d try to remember someone’s name “Oh it had that guy that was in the Big Bang Theory…what’s his name? <says to his phone> ‘what actor plays Leonard on the Big Bang Theory’ ” Yep, that really happened…at least 15 times.
Too Hot To Trot – This is the guy that is really good looking, but he knows he’s really good looking, which makes him not good looking. This guy literally spent the first half of the date telling me how everyone always tells him how hot he is. According to him, his ex-girlfriends’ sister put the moves on him, his ex-girlfriends’ mother “was totally into him” and he even went as far as to tell ME, the person he’s on a date with, that the waitress was totally into him, he “could tell”.
The Mentalist – This guy “knows your nervous by the way you tilt your head” and knows that you chose blue cheese instead of ranch because the female brain has some extra sensor in the frontal lobeblahblahblah…..omg get over yourself. I can’t even. So you took a psychology class in your undergrad studies, congratulations, so did I. Maybe that’s how I can tell you’re a complete douche.
Full disclosure, the last three guys were all the same guy, all on the same date. He was a diamond in the rough…it got to a point where I was more interested in seeing what bullshit would come out of his mouth next than anything else. It was seriously like a comedy show, and I had a front row seat.
The Lamb – I call him this because he was feeble, like a baby lamb. We went out once. It was fine. He texted me the next day, I texted him back, it was fine. He then texted me the next day…at 6AM…TELLING ME that he was coming over that night. Um…no pal, you’re not. 1. that’s pretty short notice, and lets face it, I book up quick. 2. I’m pretty much all set with having you enclosed in my apartment-I’ve spent all of 3 hours with you. I don’t even know your last name. When I politely told him I was busy that night but maybe we could meet somewhere in the middle over the weekend, he basically started crying. I could feel the tears through the text messages. “He knew I didn’t like him.” “No one ever wants to wait until the weekend unless they dont like the guy”. “best of luck, you were really cool”. uh, yea dude, you were cool too…till you freaked out. No offense, but There’s no way that I’m going to try to convince a guy I’ve known for 3 hours that I’m “really into you”. Ya blew it. bubye!
Friendly Angry Giant – I met this guy one time for coffee. ONE TIME. We then made plans to meet up with some of his friends the next weekend. Something came up, and I wasn’t able to make it. Ok, nothing came up, but I just really would have rather read the Dictionary than meet up with him again. Instead of doing what a normal person would do, such as say “ok maybe another time”, Jolly Green turns King Kong in 2.5 seconds and starts spewing off about what a crazy bitch I am. Now I might just be a crazy bitch, but I’d really appreciate it if you’d get to know me a little better before you start throwing that around. Wow, I’m really regretting cancelling that one…NOT.
The Textwhore – This person mine as well get an iphone implanted into their body. Trust me, if that was possible, I’d definitely consider some cosmetic surgery. I’m just as obsessed with my phone as the next guy. But when I wake up at 6:30AM and I already have a “good morning” text from you…OK, a good morning text might be ok, it’s the “how’s your morning going”, and “how’s work” that starts getting annoying. What really put me over the edge with this fellow was the “Hey! What are you up to?” at 2PM on a Tuesday. Uhhh…it’s 2PM on a Tuesday – what the fuck do you think I’m up to. I’m not even wasting my time to text you back. You’ll figure it out.
So if you’re picking up what I’m putting down here, I’m not telling you that online dating is a bad idea for you. I’m telling you that it’s a bad idea for me. Feel Free to roll the dice on your own.
So if you ask me, or one of my really good friends at work, there are two kinds of people in this world. People who love Starbucks, and People shouldn’t be allowed to talk to us people who love Starbucks. I know this statement may sound a little bit aggressive, but this is struggle of the world we live in. And, a true Starbucks lover not only loves Starbucks, but also hates Dunkin Donuts. Now I don’t want to hear any mumbo-jumbo about how DD is so much cheaper or how Starbucks is so much more pretentious because it’s just not true-so stop it.
I feel like I can say things like this because my first job, which was one of my favorite jobs ever, was working at DD. I was seriously so good at that shit. Light and sweet, no problem. Black one sweet and low, you got. So I know. I see what goes on, and I know how their burnt coffee tastes. Really, it’s insulting to your taste buds. I’d drink sitting-out-all-day-at-a-random-rest-stop-gas-station-coffee before I pulled into Dunkin. Erin does not run on Dunkin.
To really drill in my point, there as this one day, I did stop at DD on my way to work. I was at a low point. Really low. In fact, I also got a bacon, egg and cheese on a croissant, and hash browns, and the fat person inside of me gobbled that shit down and got crumbs and ketchup everywhere. Like I said, it was a low; I’m not proud. By the time I got to work I was so regretful, and quite frankly, embarrassed by this lapse in judgement I picked up multiple Starbucks coffee cups off the floor of my car and strongly considered dumping my Dunkin brew in so no one would see me this way. I couldn’t find one that I trusted enough to drink out of again, so I did what I had to do and slinked into work with my Dunkin Donuts coffee and pretended everything was normal. No joke, my coworker noted this cup on my desk and came up to me later in the day an inquired on my mental and physical health. <–this seriously happened.
Anyways, this past weekend, I went to Newport, and after a fantastic Crawfish Boil (aka a day that consisted of eating and drinking heavily) and I knew the only way I would get home would be to stop at Starbucks. So I went to Starbucks in downtown – no parking spots, fantastic. So I did what any sane person would do. I parked illegally and ran inside. OF COURSE the line was out the door (why wouldn’t it be, we are talking about Starbucks), but I waited. Sometimes a good coffee is worth risking that your car is going to be towed. After being in line 20 minutes, I made another extremely rational decision: I got not one, but two coffees. A cold one to suck down immediately, and a hot one to enjoy on my ride home. My only mistake was not buying larger coffees, or buying more coffees and asking some hipster sitting at table if they’d help me lug them all to my car. When I got back outside, my car was still there, with no ticket on it. The world was on my side that day.
This past weekend I was invited to a crawfish boil. I’ve never been to a crawfish boil before, nor have I ever eaten crawfish, but I like shrimp and lobster, so I assumed I’d also like crawfish because they seem to be the mid-ground between the two. My friend’s husband (<– still getting used to saying that) was the boiler. From what I understand, you get the crawfish while they are still alive and have to take out any that are already dead. Then you put the live crawfish into a pot with corn, potatoes, and bunch of spices and let the magic happen. Once they are done, you just dump the whole pot onto a big table and digs in. Take a look at the pics below to get a better idea of what happens here:
The Crawfish in their final moments of life. Also known as “crawdads” or “mudbugs”.
What it looks like on the table – SO DELICIOUS!!
Mike with Lupe
Friends hanging out:
How you eat crawfish: 1. pinch 2. pull off “butt” 3. suck out delicousness…or if you are me, you can (very messily) take the meat out with your fingers and eat.
Our cook, Doug, and his attack dog:
Our host, Bryan – the Birthday Boy
Just a bunch of UConn Alum watching our team win! GO HUSKIES!!