Once Upon a Time, A Few Mistakes Ago…

I’ve never had much luck in the dating world.  No, seriously.  It all started with my first boyfriend when I was in middle school.  I was pretty sure we would be together forever and get married, have 4 kids, have a house in CT and also a log cabin in ME on a lake (obviously where we’d vacation) and live a picture perfect life, but then he hooked up with my (ex)best-friend.  Cool.  Back then it didn’t take much time to get over guys.  A couple hundred phone calls (remember this was long before the days of cell phone and text messages) to his parents house and a dramatic bike ride over to his house to drop off a “box of his things” pretty much did the trick.  From then on there was a series of high school drops outs, drug addicts, and down right boring guys-I mean I’m an independent, smart, fun girl, why wouldn’t I go that route. It really only makes sense, right?  Don’t they say opposites attract…?

Now, being in my late twenties, most of my friends are married, engaged, in super-boring-super-serious-super-longterm relationships, or busy chasing their rug rats around Target.  I did something I never wanted to, I’m embarrassed that I did, and I can confidently say I will never do again.  I entered the online dating world.  Some of my friends (and family) tell me I’m picky, judgmental, or not willing to try – my other friends, and the general public, is just too nice to say that to my face-or maybe they just don’t know me well enough.  I like those people.

Anyways, back to online dating…how does that saying go?  Oh yea, I came, I saw, I conquered threw up in my mouth a little bit.  I was out to dinner with a friend of mine not too long ago and she, newly single, mentioned considering online dating.  I gave her the best advice in the world:  DON’T. DO. IT.  Why?  Well because people who online date, in my experience, do it for a reason. Ya, ya, ya, your sister met her husband on plenty-of-fish and he’s a ‘real catch’, your cousin met his girlfriend on ‘match’ and they really hit it off, your grandma met her lova on “Our Time” and they are having the time of their life.  I get it.  There are fairy tale endings out there, but I’m no princess so that shit just ain’t for me.  Just so you can really taste it, let me tell you about my favorite 10 guys I’ve met online and you can tell me if I was too quick to judge or if I saw where it was going and was able to make it to safe room before the tornado.

Time capsule –  I call him this for two reasons.  1. because I feel like I talked to him for an eternity and 2. because on our first date – literally the first time we ever met, he made me look at over 1,000 photos on his iphone of cruise he went on with his parents.  Somewhere around 1,500 I said “lets save the rest for next time”.  Spoiler alert – there was no next time.  Seriously, I saw more pictures of his parents than I’ve seen of my own parents-in my whole entire life.  I love pictures and will have absolutely no problem making you look at the scrapbooks I made in high school, but this was intense, even for me.

Hey Girl Heyyyyyy – So this guy was…different. I’m not sure if he was trying to convince himself or convince me, but he definitely checked some wrong boxes on that dating site.  He loved hot coacoa, “hangin out with the girls”, and his alcoholic drink of choice – mudslides.  “Um dirty martini over here please!” <–that was literally what I said as I snapped my fingers for the waiter mid-meal on our LUNCH date.  Hey alcohol doesn’t solve problems, but neither does water or milk, am I right?

The Alcoholic – This guy seemed really nice.  Actually, I thought he might actually be someone that I could hang out with, but I found out sooner (thank god) than later that he really just wanted to get drunk.  Literally- he told me he wasn’t interested in eating because “then he wouldn’t be able to drink as much”, and when I said, well it sound like you just want to get wasted, he said “well I do, I really wanted to get drunk last night but I didn’t” Yea, that date never even happened.  Oh, and for kickers, he was actually going to pick me up.  Luckily I found his intents before I got into the death chair.  He was later known to text me in the middle of the night inquiring why we couldn’t even be friends.

The Petri Dish – OK, feel free to judge me if you want to, but this poor kid’s face was like a petri dish incubating as the perfect temperature.  More and more white heads grew in the period of time it took me to choke down a burger and a beer…and if you’re really thinking about what i’m saying and picturing it, that was not a long time.

Siri – Only it wasn’t Siri, it was whatever question-answering thing those huge ass Galaxy phones have.  The entire time we were out, in a restaurant mind you, he was talking to her. And by her I do not mean me.  And by her I do not mean another person.  We’d be mid conversation and get to a point where we’d try to remember someone’s name “Oh it had that guy that was in the Big Bang Theory…what’s his name? <says to his phone> ‘what actor plays Leonard on the Big Bang Theory’ ”  Yep, that really happened…at least 15 times.

Too Hot To Trot – This is the guy that is really good looking, but he knows he’s really good looking, which makes him not good looking.   This guy literally spent the first half of the date telling me how everyone always tells him how hot he is.  According to him, his ex-girlfriends’ sister put the moves on him, his ex-girlfriends’ mother “was totally into him” and he even went as far as to tell ME, the person he’s on a date with, that the waitress was totally into him, he “could tell”.

The Mentalist – This guy “knows your nervous by the way you tilt your head” and knows that you chose blue cheese instead of ranch because the female brain has some extra sensor in the frontal lobeblahblahblah…..omg get over yourself.  I can’t even. So you took a psychology class in your undergrad studies, congratulations, so did I.  Maybe that’s how I can tell you’re a complete douche.

Full disclosure, the last three guys were all the same guy, all on the same date.  He was a diamond in the rough…it got to a point where I was more interested in seeing what bullshit would come out of his mouth next than anything else.  It was seriously like a comedy show, and I had a front row seat.

The Lamb – I call him this because he was feeble, like a baby lamb.  We went out once.  It was fine.  He texted me the next day, I texted him back, it was fine.  He then texted me the next day…at 6AM…TELLING ME that he was coming over that night. Um…no pal, you’re not.  1. that’s pretty short notice, and lets face it, I book up quick.  2. I’m pretty much all set with having you enclosed in my apartment-I’ve spent all of 3 hours with you. I don’t even know your last name.  When I politely told him I was busy that night but maybe we could meet somewhere in the middle over the weekend, he basically started crying.  I could feel the tears through the text messages.  “He knew I didn’t like him.” “No one ever wants to wait until the weekend unless they dont like the guy”.  “best of luck, you were really cool”. uh, yea dude, you were cool too…till you freaked out.  No offense, but There’s no way that I’m going to try to convince a guy I’ve known for 3 hours that I’m “really into you”.  Ya blew it. bubye!

The Friendly Angry Giant – I met this guy one time for coffee. ONE TIME.  We then made plans to meet up with some of his friends the next weekend. Something came up, and I wasn’t able to make it.  Ok, nothing came up, but I just really would have rather read the Dictionary than meet up with him again.  Instead of doing what a normal person would do, such as say “ok maybe another time”, Jolly Green turns King Kong in 2.5 seconds and starts spewing off about what a crazy bitch I am.  Now I might just be a crazy bitch, but I’d really appreciate it if you’d get to know me a little better before you start throwing that around.  Wow, I’m really regretting cancelling that one…NOT.

The Textwhore – This person mine as well get an iphone implanted into their body.  Trust me, if that was possible, I’d definitely consider some cosmetic surgery.  I’m just as obsessed with my phone as the next guy.  But when I wake up at 6:30AM and I already have a “good morning” text from you…OK, a good morning text might be ok, it’s the “how’s your morning going”, and “how’s work” that starts getting annoying.  What really put me over the edge with this fellow was the “Hey! What are you up to?” at 2PM on a Tuesday.  Uhhh…it’s 2PM on a Tuesday – what the fuck do you think I’m up to.  I’m not even wasting my time to text you back.  You’ll figure it out.

So if you’re picking up what I’m putting down here, I’m not telling you that online dating is a bad idea for you.  I’m telling you that it’s a bad idea for me.  Feel Free to roll the dice on your own.