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The 10 People At Races that Literally Make Me Want To Scream

Me and Kathryn post-race.

Me and Kathryn post-race.

So if you didn’t know this already, I am a runner.  Not a good runner, but a runner nonetheless.  Now that it’s (finally) starting to get warm, I’m FINALLY getting outside, and this past weekend I ran my first race of the season.  I won. Just kidding, but at least I didn’t come in last!  I ran with my new running buddy, Kathryn, and it was perfect weather and we had fun and supported a cause close to my heart – ALS.  Anyways – while running the race, I mentally came up with a list of the top 10 people at races that literally make me consider tearing my own arm off so that I have something to throw at them.  In no particular order, here we go:

  1. Shuffley Shuffleson – that guy who literally drags his feet along the whole 3.1, 6.2, 6.55, 13.1, or god help me, 26.2 miles.  LIFT UP YOUR FUCKING FEET!
  2. Trojan Man! – that guy, who inevitable is probably about 25 lbs overweight and a neophyte runner, that is dressed up under armor from his condom beanie hat, matching compression top, and running tights.  He really has no business wearing this, but obviously while he has it on everyone knows he means business.
  3. “The Encourager” – that guy that encourages you to “keep it up” as he blows by you on that 80% grade hill.  Literally, if I catch up to you, I’m going to kick you, so I hope for your sake you keep that stamina.
  4. Mr. Sniffles – that guy that just keeps sniffing.  Blow a snot rocket, wipe your nose on your shirt, blow your nose into your hand, let it drip.  I. dont. care. Just stop sniffing every 2 steps.  Seriously – you’re giving me vertigo.
  5. Sir Disgruntled – that guy that keeps grunting throughout the entire race.  Are you giving birth or running a 5k?  You might want to take it down a few notches because if you’re at the same place in the race as as me, you’re no where near winning, and if you pass out you’re shit outta luck because my CPR certificate expired circa 1998.
  6. The Walk, Run, Winner – that guy that you’re neck and neck with throughout the whole entire race.  You pass them while they’re walking, then they cruise by you, then you pass them when they take their next “break” and again they cruise by you.  It’s best to just try to ignore this person, because as much as they don’t deserve to, there is a really good chance that their going to beat you in the end, so coming to terms with this earlier in the race is for the best.
  7. Mr. DJ – that guy that decides he is going to listen to music while he’s running.  Except instead of using earphone like a normal human being, he takes it upon himself to supply everyone within a 15 foot radius of him with his “sick playlist”.  Thanks for the consideration pal, can’t thank you enough, how did you know I wanted to listen to that awesome techno for the next half hour?!
  8. The Camel – that guy that has a full on water belt for the 50 degree 5K.  If you seriously need 32 ounces of water to run the next three miles, perhaps running isn’t the right sport for you.  In fact, if you can drink 32 ounces of water over the course of the next three miles without throwing up or peeing your pants I take back what I just said because I’m flat out impressed.
  9. The Coach – this guy is very similar to The Encourager, but worse.  This guy not only encourages you to keep on keeping on, but also give you a few quick tidbits of advice to help you come in 498th in the small-town road race that you’re regretting registering for 6 months ago.  “You’re doing a great job!  Only .4 miles until the top of this hill, then just open your legs and let your body coast on the downhill.  You’ve got this man”.  I. hate. you.  Literally I hate this guy.  He isn’t your coach, you’re not asking him how on earth you can get to the top of this hill.  This guy needs to learn how to mind his own biz before someone teaches him how to.
  10. This guy – Sir did you forget your shoes?  It’s cold, wet, oh and outdoors here-you should have shoes on.  What are you doing with your life? #icant.Untitled

The Frustrations From Shopping At High Class Discount Stores…

I’m going to keep this short, mostly because even thinking about this infuriates me, but also because I don’t have much time.  So yesterday I rushed over to target to get this really cute dress in between when I left work and when I had to be at track practice.  I thought it would be totally fine time wise.  Of course after I got the dress I realized it was only appropriate to buy shoes to wear with it…so I did that, I was at Target after all…isn’t it a crime to leave there with only one item?  I still had AMPLE time to check out and get to practice early…or so I thought.  I went to the front of the store and there is only 3 checkout aisles open.  Now, normally at 4PM on a Wednesday that should be fine, but this Wednesday, for god know what reason there is over 20 people in each line.  No joke.  So anyways, I go to the 10 items or less lane, which was definitely a mistake because EVERY time I go into the 10 items or less lane my head almost blows up.  One of my BIGGEST pet peeves is when people go into the 10 items or less lane and they CLEARLY have more than 10 items.  The two customers, not just one, but two customers in line in front of me each have a heaping cart.  ARE YOU SERIOUS?!  Do you not see the sign that says “10 items or less?” Do you think that no one will notices?  Well I did notice, and I was about half a second away from telling them they needed to reevaluate what they are doing here but they opened a 4th checkout aisle so I quickly got distracted running to that lane (hey I was in a time crunch, don’t judge me!).

Now one would think this is a good move on my part…WRONG.  There is one person in front of me in the lane, so I’m thinkin easy-peasy, checkout her stuff and then it’s me.  NOPE!  She has 2 little boys with her that are INSISTING on scanning all the items and of course, the cashier, who was a boy that  looked to be about 17 years old, was going along with it.  Really?  come on, who in the world lets their kids do this!  And besides, I don’t have freakin’ time for this!  So anyways, they finally scan about every school supply in the whole damn store and then out of nowhere the woman whips out a stack of coupons about 3 inches thick.  No kidding! You can’t make this stuff up.  Now, I’m just basically waiting for the “Extreme Couponing” Camera Crew to come out of the wood works.  Finally, after what seemed like decades, I was able to check out.

Sheesh!  The one time I can get in and out of Target under $30 this happens to me! Go figure!  Oh, and if you were wondering about the 10 item or less line…yep both people with the heaping carts got out of the store before me…just my luck!

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