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Kitty Cat Confessionals Vol I: I hate cats.


OK, so let me get you up to speed:  I had a cat once, Sammy. Two years and 16 stitches later, Sammy is the reason I have three eye brows. (NOTE:  Sammy did sleep in my bed after I got home from the hospital that night because, you know…“it wasn’t his fault”, but goddamn was that cat an asshole).  It took another 4 years of me crying to my parents to NOT give Sammy away (I never said I wasn’t crazy) and then ultimately Sammy LITERALLY peeing on my mom in her own bed for my mom to “bring Sam to a farm” (tho to this day she will never admit she wished him ill will).  I was devastated, obviously.  Now I’ve got scars and no cat to prove my story.  But anyways, after this harrowing experience I’ve abstained from cats.  Cats are selfish, manipulative, tricky, sly assholes (nothing like my sweetheart puppy girl TessieMay). So lets get up to present day – I have this boyfriend who is obsessed with cats (I know, I know…but he has other great qualities, ok?), anyways, turns out I love him more than I hate cats….enter Lucielle Ball.

LB

Until next time…meow

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My Prince Charming


I not-so-recently broke it off with a long time bow, and while usually my grandpa gives me grief about not being married in my old age of 26. Assuring me that all the good men are taken by my age and I’m going to grow old as an old maid. For whatever reason he had a change of heart while I was visiting last weekend. On my last night in Iowa, my grandpa calls me into the back room where he’s listening to his right-wing radio program and playing solitaire. He tells me he has news for me. As we sat there talking, he told me he had a vision of me working my second job, waitressing, and this guy comes in “he’ll be 33 or 34 with dark hair, with some prematurely gray poking through. He has a thin mustache. You are going to see each other and…boom (makes a shooting arrow jester) that little guy will poke you both with the arrow at the same time”.

As I said goodbye the next morning he gave me a hug and kiss and ended his goodbye by saying “he might not have a mustache, I haven’t decided yet.” Hmm…I’m not sure how accurately that story will pan out, but I will tell you one thing, it makes me more excited to go to work tonight! Who knows, maybe the old man is right, and my next trip to Iowa won’t be alone 😉

Top 10 Reasons its a BRILLIANT idea to be SINLGE this Christmas!


Christmas is finally here and now being single for the first time at the holidays in almost a decade I have been pondering how freaking WONDERFUL it is.  No seriously!  For years I’ve felt bad for the singletons who have no one to spend time with during the holiday season, but as it turns out, I was completely wrong about this.  This comes as an extra shock because I’m almost never wrong.  Here’s my top ten list of why its a brilliant idea to be single this holiday season:

  1. You don’t have to hang out with anyone else’s annoying family.  And you don’t have to drag anyone to hang out with yours!!  Let’s face it, its wonderful to spend time with loved ones during the holiday season, but it gets old quickly…especially if it’s double time!  And while hanging out with your significant other’s family can be loads of fun, it’s tiring, damnit! “Playing nice” would be a lot easier and more fun if it were acceptable to have about 4 more glasses of wine!
  2. You don’t have to send out holiday cards:  As you may have seen in one of my prior posts, normally I send out holiday cards to my nearest and dearest.  This year I didn’t, and to be honest, I don’t really feel bad about it. The best thing I did in 2012 was break up with my boyfriend and since that doesn’t exactly fit the bill for a cheerful holiday card, I guiltlessly skipped the whole ordeal this year.  Instead I took the money I saved and actually went out for a meal or a drink with the people that I really wanted to catch up with!
  3. No extra gifts: Without a boyfriend or girlfriend you don’t have to worry about the “Christmas Politics”.  Since you’re not going to anyone else’s family functions you don’t have to worry about getting a Christmas present for you significant other’s mother or annoying brother.  You don’t have to make one last run to the package store for a bottle of wine to bring to his aunt’s house for Christmas dinner, or make a bazillion cookies to bring with you so that you look like Little Miss Suzie Homemaker.  And you certainly don’t have to search Macy’s for the perfect $10 or less gift for some weirdo Yankee Swap.
  4. You don’t have to go to more than one lame-o company holiday party:  Luckily the company I work for has an amazing Christmas Party where they pull out all the stops, but from what I understand, most companies are not this way.  Here’s a great question for you – what is the point of going to a party where you have to behave…isn’t that an oxymoron?
  5. You don’t have to find “the perfect gift”:  Every guy or gal wants to get their boyfriend or girlfriend the perfect gift. Usually there’s a price limit, but then there’s the unspoken question of “should I stay within the price limit, should I not?”  If you stay within the limit, but the other person goes above and beyond, you look like a douche…if you go above and beyond and they stay within the limit, you’re disappointed.  Even if you don’t admit you’re disappointed, you are.  We all know that you are.  One year for Christmas my ex-boyfriend and I had a “no gift” rule.  I proceeded to get him a very nice pea coat, and he gave me the gift of air.  Yep.  Air.  I did mention that was an EX-boyfriend, right? 😉
  6. You can look forward to mistletoe: Yea, all you couples out there can kiss away 365 days a year, but I mean really, where is the fun in that?  Going to a Christmas Party as a singleton you can easily scope out a single hottie, and with very minimal amounts of planning you will both end up under the mistletoe in no time at all!  And if you think you’re too shy to make that happen, ask a ballsy friend for help, have a couple eggnog/rums and give it a go.  What’s the worst that can happen!?
  7. Holiday Candy and Holiday Cookies: Without having all the extra holiday obligations, you’re not obligated to make and/or buy all this extra crap for the holidays.  That being said, its pretty inevitable that you’ll accumulate a bunch of holiday goodies regardless…and when you do, not only do you not have to share them with anyone, but you also don’t have to worry about anyone judging you.  So what if I ate an entire bag of moose tracks, had 2 egg nogs, 3 cookies and half a tray of home-made fudge?  YOLO!
  8. You can play the”Alvin in the Chipmunks Christmas CD on repeat: The Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas Album is the holiday equivalent to “Call Me Maybe”.  Seriously…it’s one of those things that if anyone else was around and it came on you’d say “OMGGGGG this is the most annoying song ever”, but if it comes on while you’re all alone, you know you’re singing every last word…possibly loading it on repeat.  (My holiday guilty-pleasure Christmas Song is Dominic the Donkey…with all the sound effects! heehaw heehaw!”
  9. Party til New Years!!  Christmas doesn’t have to be just one day if you’re single.  The world is your oyster so since people have taken extra time off work or are in town visiting with family, take advantage of it, and have fun!!  You don’t have to get home at any certain time to hang out with your significant other, or feel bad leaving them at home, or the worst – invite them to come hang out with you and your life-long friend.  All you have to do is meet up at the local watering hole and sip martinis and gossip about all the latest and greatest news!
  10. Holiday Weight?  What’s Holiday Weight:  No matter how hard you try, you’re going to put on a few lbs throughout the Christmas season…and if you don’t well 2 things:  1. F  you, seriously, and 2. You need to live a little more!  Come on, who can seriously stay away from all the holiday goodies!  But, without needing to look good for your significant other, you can indulge in a few extra treats.  Just don’t go so overboard that you wont be able to slim back down before Valentine’s Day…You don’t want to be single forever after all!!

 

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