The 10 People At Races that Literally Make Me Want To Scream

Me and Kathryn post-race.

So if you didn’t know this already, I am a runner.  Not a good runner, but a runner nonetheless.  Now that it’s (finally) starting to get warm, I’m FINALLY getting outside, and this past weekend I ran my first race of the season.  I won. Just kidding, but at least I didn’t come in last!  I ran with my new running buddy, Kathryn, and it was perfect weather and we had fun and supported a cause close to my heart – ALS.  Anyways – while running the race, I mentally came up with a list of the top 10 people at races that literally make me consider tearing my own arm off so that I have something to throw at them.  In no particular order, here we go:

1. Shuffley Shuffleson – that guy who literally drags his feet along the whole 3.1, 6.2, 6.55, 13.1, or god help me, 26.2 miles.  LIFT UP YOUR FUCKING FEET!
2. Trojan Man! – that guy, who inevitable is probably about 25 lbs overweight and a neophyte runner, that is dressed up under armor from his condom beanie hat, matching compression top, and running tights.  He really has no business wearing this, but obviously while he has it on everyone knows he means business.
3. “The Encourager” – that guy that encourages you to “keep it up” as he blows by you on that 80% grade hill.  Literally, if I catch up to you, I’m going to kick you, so I hope for your sake you keep that stamina.
4. Mr. Sniffles – that guy that just keeps sniffing.  Blow a snot rocket, wipe your nose on your shirt, blow your nose into your hand, let it drip.  I. dont. care. Just stop sniffing every 2 steps.  Seriously – you’re giving me vertigo.
5. Sir Disgruntled – that guy that keeps grunting throughout the entire race.  Are you giving birth or running a 5k?  You might want to take it down a few notches because if you’re at the same place in the race as as me, you’re no where near winning, and if you pass out you’re shit outta luck because my CPR certificate expired circa 1998.
6. The Walk, Run, Winner – that guy that you’re neck and neck with throughout the whole entire race.  You pass them while they’re walking, then they cruise by you, then you pass them when they take their next “break” and again they cruise by you.  It’s best to just try to ignore this person, because as much as they don’t deserve to, there is a really good chance that their going to beat you in the end, so coming to terms with this earlier in the race is for the best.
7. Mr. DJ – that guy that decides he is going to listen to music while he’s running.  Except instead of using earphone like a normal human being, he takes it upon himself to supply everyone within a 15 foot radius of him with his “sick playlist”.  Thanks for the consideration pal, can’t thank you enough, how did you know I wanted to listen to that awesome techno for the next half hour?!
8. The Camel – that guy that has a full on water belt for the 50 degree 5K.  If you seriously need 32 ounces of water to run the next three miles, perhaps running isn’t the right sport for you.  In fact, if you can drink 32 ounces of water over the course of the next three miles without throwing up or peeing your pants I take back what I just said because I’m flat out impressed.
9. The Coach – this guy is very similar to The Encourager, but worse.  This guy not only encourages you to keep on keeping on, but also give you a few quick tidbits of advice to help you come in 498th in the small-town road race that you’re regretting registering for 6 months ago.  “You’re doing a great job!  Only .4 miles until the top of this hill, then just open your legs and let your body coast on the downhill.  You’ve got this man”.  I. hate. you.  Literally I hate this guy.  He isn’t your coach, you’re not asking him how on earth you can get to the top of this hill.  This guy needs to learn how to mind his own biz before someone teaches him how to.
10. This guy – Sir did you forget your shoes?  It’s cold, wet, oh and outdoors here-you should have shoes on.  What are you doing with your life? #icant.

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Runner’s World

I’m a runner.  By this, what I DO mean is that I have been mostly-consistently running since I was in 5th grade.  By this, what I DON’T mean is that I’m an elite, or even a really “good” runner.  I run the Manchester Thanksgiving Day Road Race on Thanksgiving Day every year and then basically stuff my running shoes into the back of my closet until March.  If you read my blog at all you’d know by now that I HATE winter and HATE the cold.  Running and winter are two words that do not go hand in hand.  Not in my book anyway!  All winter I hole up in my apartment, do puzzles and get fat and then come spring I absolutely dread the thought running, until I get a few runs in and once again achieve that runner’s high.  Its takes me about 2 -3 runs, and then out of nowhere I’m border line obessed.  I think about it before I go to bed and can’t wait for the morning to lace up my shoes and put in some miles.

Anyway, this past Saturday I ran my first race of the season (“season” is used loosely here, because while most runners will run year round, I consider “racing season” any time of the year when it’s warm enough to be outside and not see your breath.  If you can see your breath, its not only not racing season, but you also have no business being out on the streets running!) and it really pumped me up!  I went to bed on Saturday night thinking OK, I’m gonna go out for an easy run tomorrow since it’s supposed to be nice.  And that it was – low 40’s, not a cloud in the sky…dream day for running!  I went out for a quick 4 mile run…9 miles later I happily popped back into my apartment.  What happened?

OMG, it was sooooooo nice out, and where I live out in the country there’s a lot to see (and by a lot to see, I mean there’s tons of livestock – see inset pic of my favorite part of country running – the cows).  Normally I don’t run with music, but since I just got a new phone I decided to bring it with me so I could use my mapmyrun app and tried out listening to a new running playlist I created.  I don’t know if it was the fresh air, getting back in shape, or the music, but my legs just took me and before I knew it I was dancing around town.  Now I say “dancing around town”, becuase my playlist was so awesome that I was literally singing (and semi-dancing) along with all my songs.  OK, as any runner would know, its much easier to run with a partner…and why is that?  because talking makes the time go by quicker!  So why not talk, or in my case sing (loudly, and with hand gestures) to yourself!?  It’s kind of like that episode of Friends where Phoebe runs “like a kid” through Central Park, except this is real life and I actually do that.  Go ahead and judge me, or laugh thinking about.  I’m sure I look like the village idiot doing it, but I could care less!  It just makes it more fun and something to look forward to, rather than something you “have to do”.

If you’re wondering what on earth could have given me so much pep (besides my everyday bubbly personality), I’ll share my playlist…you may be surprised by the variety, but it really works…throw that puppy on shuffle and you never know what’s around the next corner (pun intented).

1. Lady Gaga – Love Game
   
2. Jeremih – Birthday Sex
3. Biz Markie –  Just a Friend
4. Everclear – Father of Mine
5. Everlast – What it’s like
6. Flobots – Handlebars
7. Iyaz – Replay
8. Jurassic 5 & Nelly Furtado – Thin Link
9. Lady Gaga – Love Game
10. Myley Cyrus – Party in the USA
11. Soulja Boy – Crank That (Soulja Boy)
12. Taylor Swift – Our Song
13. 3OH3! –  Don’t Trust Me
14. Lady Gaga – Beatiful, Dirty, Rich
15. Three 6 Mafia –  Lolli Lolli

It was really an awesome run, and awesome day, and I really can’t wait to do it up again!! 🙂